Ty Oglesby

Laughing at Yourself (pt.1)

Welcome to the first part of "Laughing at Yourself". I am going to tell some stories about me (all true), that will be considered by some to be funny, stupid or untrue. But, I assure you that the stories will be worthy of retelling. I encourage you to post any stories about yourself that may not have been funny at the time, but looking back, you have to laugh.  The following is one of those moments for me and I felt pretty stupid at the time. It would have been a perfect script on an episode of "Tool Time".

It was a really hot summer afternoon here in Melbourne, Fl. I was at my house doing some work in the garage. I had just recently purchased an attic ladder, (you know the kind that pulls down from the ceiling). I had it for about a week and it was still in the box. This is usually a two man job, but I was determined to get it installed by myself. Mainly because I couldn't get anyone to help me. So, after a couple of beers, I came up with a great idea. At least it seemed to be. I mean what could go wrong? Anyway, don't answer that quite yet. It could have ended a lot worse.

I tear the box off of the ladder and read through the instructions and tossed them aside. These instructions did not pertain to me as I had an easier way. I take the folded up attic ladder and ease it up into the attic opening and into the attick, sliding it off to the side, away from the opening. Here is where my ingenious plan comes into play. I took two 2x4's and screwed them across the attic opening and from side to side and climbed into the attic taking my cordless drill with me. I turned on the light. I made sure that I had plenty of three inch long screws. I then grab hold of the still folded up ladder and slide it into the opening and on to the 2x4's that were across the underside of the opening. (So far, so good) Does anyone see anything wrong yet?  Well, going ahead with my awesome, awesome plan, I proceed to screw the ladder to the to the rafters that framed out the attic opening using no less than a dozen of those three inch screws. Now, I remind you that it was really hot in the attic as it was the middle of July and I was by myself. Well, after putting in the last screw, it was time to test the ladder. I push down on it expecting it to open up. It doesn't move. I put my foot on it and push, but still nothing. I now have all of my weight on it and it is still not budging. "What the hell is wrong with this thing?" I wondered out loud. Then it hit me like a tank. What a DUMBASS!! The 2x4's that I put across the opening were keeping the ladder from unfolding. Crap! I knew then that I had to take the screws back out. I reached for my drill and as I turned around to pick it up, I broke the lightbulb off with my ass. Now, I am in complete darkness, sweating to death. AARRGH! I start yelling after trying to take the scews out by feeling for them and finally, my girlfriend who just got home from the mall, came out to the garage. I told her to take my drill and unscrew the boards so that I could open the ladder. Of course, she couldn't do that because the damn drill was in the attic with me! DUH! She had to go get my neighbor who brought over his drill and rescued me. I suppose that I would have had to make another opening in the ceiling to get out. Ha. Well, after the boards were taken off, the ladder worked perfectly and still does ten years later.


I LOVED THIS!!!! Ok..... here is one for you. I had flown back from a trip to Florida a few months ago not feeling well at all. Luckily the flight was empty so I had the row to myself and was able to lay down and sleep during the flight. Upon landing the walk through the airport and bus ride to my car seemed to take years. It was cold out, but I was in a sweat so clearly I was coming down with something. I climbed into my car and relieved to find that I had left an unopened bottle of water which was cold from being there overnight in the cool temps. I departed the airport for home drinking the bottle of water and feeling worse by the second. I got off of the exit for my house and as I approached the light, which takes forever to get through, my body decided to reject the entire bottle of water that I had just consumed. I was trapped with cars in front of me, beside me, and behind me with the red light seeming to laugh at me. Without being too graphic, lets just say that I was now wearing the bottle of water and the teens in the car beside me watched the whole thing. Sit sitting there, now soaked and feeling horrible, I heard a clicking sound. The large amount of dampness has now gone through my seat and saturated the electronics in my power seat. Suddenly my seat starts tilting forward, all by itself, literally trapping me against the steering wheel. I could hear the howls of laughter coming from the teens in the car beside me and I can only imagine the look on my face. I quickly managed to get my hand down to the seat controls to lean the seat back so that I could drive, but the moisture in the controls caused it to return to the body crushing position as soon I let go. I did not want to pull over because I was soaked and sick so I did the remainder of the drive home with my hand on the control, my seat going continuously backward and forward as I battled the offended seat controls, and still gagging from the virus that had started the ordeal. It was not funny at the time, but hysterical to think of it now. Those teens will not forget it anytime soon.
That's a great story Ty Griswold. Remember when Ted fell through the attic of the new house, taking an entire sheet of drywall with him? A "model" home with a Real Estate agent and propective home buyers standing in it.

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